Friday, January 24, 2014

Some days are hard

So, I have actually been having a hard time lately and needed to get some thoughts out. Cancer sucks!

First of all, I really am so grateful for where we are and where John is. We have been blessed in so so many ways. He is 8 months post Allo transplant and everything is going better than expected. 

In October 2012 when we knew something was going on, but didn't know what, I told John, "I think you have leukemia and it is going to be a really hard year, but we will be ok". I was right. But, I had no idea what hard was, and had no idea how hard things would be post transplants. and no idea that a "really hard year" would last more that one year. No one can prepare you for how life will change.

After John's Allo transplant we came home with a packet of do's and  dont's. A BIG packet. At that point I was grateful that I have always kept a clean house and been a neat freak - maybe even OCD. I could not believe how much more I would need to do though, and how much John would not be allowed to do. I would have to do ALL the yard work (and I hate yard work). I love how the lawn looks right after being mowed and hate that 3 days later in needs it again. I hate weeding too. But John can not be around dirt or dust even with his mask on. John can not vacuum or dust the house or even be in the same room while it is being done (yep - all me, the kids do help though). All ceiling fans have to be cleaned every week (we have 7) and the one in our room twice a week. The whole house has to be dusted (I use lysol wipes) every week. Kitchen cupboards handles sanitized every other day. Our bed sheets washed twice a week, our bedroom vacuumed twice a week, our bedroom sanitized twice a week. All door handles and light switches sanitized every week. Honestly, I am SO tired of sanitizing all the time. It doesn't take long and I have a system for it, it is just a tedious chore and I am tired of it.

Like I said in an earlier post, John is feeling pretty good. And in a weird way, that is really hard. Because he wants to do normal things, he wants something to do. But, he still has a very weak immune system and can't go any where. We have one car and no money to do anything any ways :) Also since it is Winter and cold and flu season, John has to be very careful of where he goes. He can't even pick up car pools because of the confinement of a car and kids carrying who knows what from school. John's last day of work was Valentines Day last year - almost one year ago. He probably can not go back into a normal work setting for about one more year. It is HARD. He really wants to work. His appointments have been cut back a lot too, he does not go to occupational or physical therapy any more. He has a clinic appt once every 2 weeks and a lab appt (10 min away) on the off week. He still goes to his therapist once a week though. And that is it for appointments. At one point he pretty much had one appointment every day. 

I have been feeling judged lately be some people for choices John and I make. One of the things I have really learned this past year is to really think twice before judging others. My eyes have really been opened up to what might be going on in someones life. And I am not perfect, but I really really try to never judge. I have learned that everyone goes through HARD things and those hard things are different. There are lots and lots of things we do not do as a family. For months I tried to do everything I could and keep things normalish for the kids. But, that meant, being a single mom. I would take the kids everywhere by myself and it sucked. One day I was thinking of the "Good, Better, Best" and although it is definitely "good" to take my kids to a ward christmas party, it might not be "best". It is best to be home as a family and not leave John home by him self all the time. So, I have stopped doing a lot of things and prefer to stay home with John and be a family. No one knows what HELL we have been through these past 15 months. No one knows what it is like to be us. We have made many friends this past year and some even similar situations to us (family with 4 kids and Dad has cancer). And we can talk and have a lot in common but we do not know what it is like for the other family. No one knows what it is like to be me, to try and keep my kids happy and take care of a husband whose body is shutting down, to miss her parents every day and never in her life wishing for them to be here more than now, to have in laws 2 states away who haven't been able to help much. To want to do normal things, to tell kids "no, we don't have money for that" way too many times, to not be able to vacation or even go camping. To want to have a somewhat normal life and be no where near that, and feeling judged by others who do not even know what we have been through. 

I am so grateful for the family I have. They have done what they can. 3 of my sisters have left their jobs and families to come take care of mine for a week, my mother in law came for a week and my Aunt came for a week. I do not know what I would do with out that support.  Yes, we have great neighbors and friends who have helped the other 30 ish days John spent in a hospital when I did not have family here to help. But, I am really missing having a normalcy to life. Right when John was diagnosed my sisters and I were planning a sisters weekend to Palm Springs. I don't get breaks from my kids very often so I love our sisters weekends. Obviously I couldn't go any more and my sisters did go. That was really hard. And now my sisters are planning a camping trip to Yosemite for this summer and we can't go - I really hate it. It is just hard.

My Dad passed away from cancer when I was 16 (over 20 years ago) and my Mom passed away from ALS when I was 11 (over 25 years ago). There have been several times in my life when I have really missed them and wished they were still here (obvious things like, prom, first dates, leaving for college, getting married, giving birth, having a miscarriage, adopting . .) But, this past year has been the worst. I have wanted to call them so so many times and wished they were here every day. It has been hard.

On a lighter note :) Yes, I am excited for a family trip to Disneyland in a month.  Yes, it is a "trip", not a "vacation" and I could really use a vacation. But, this has been the kids reward trip. We have told them for the past year that as soon as the Doctors say Dad can go to Disneyland, we will go. Good thing for our tax return, because that is paying for this trip. But, I am already missing knowing this will not be a typical trip. I will have to go into the timeshare room and sanitize EVERYTHING before John can even go in, John will have to put sunscreen on every hour (sunburns can bring on GVH), we will have to take hand sanitizer to Disneyland, John will have to wear his mask, and John will not have all the energy he would like. Our plan is 3 days Disneyland and John is only going 2 days, so I will have a day by myself with the kids. Good thing for a responsible 13 year old or no way I could do it :) And, although Disneyland is a fun and exciting thing, we have 4 kids who have issues with any change. So, every time we have taken a trip, attitudes, back talking and tantrums are way way worse. They do not understand it and it isn't fair to anyone, it just happens every time something changes (breaks from school, having friends or family visit us, going on trips/vacations, a change in church time, any thing that is different). 

Honestly I do not know if life will ever be somewhat normal. No matter what happens, this has changed us and I will always think about and worry about certain things. In 3 years the Doctors may tell John he is "cured", but I am sure I will always think about it and worry and tell him to sanitize and wear his mask :) I long for the day when John will get up and eat and go to work and I will get kids to school and pick them up and help with homework and fix dinner and then John come home.  I can't wait to not worry about having kids friends over. I am trying to make the best of every day and I am truly grateful for every day, but some days are hard. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Doing pretty good

Overall, things are going pretty good. John's energy levels are getting much better and he is eating just fine now :) (I'm actually trying to get him to slow down on eating) :)! 
His appointments and labs have been good. As Dr. Asch would say, "his liver is tickled". His liver enzymes are all a little high. They were all normal about a month ago. This is to be expected though and no on is concerned (except me - who checks labs immediately every week to see if they are going down). John either has another cold or the same one keeps coming and going. But, it is just a little cough and runny nose.
One of John's problems right now is that he wants to feel "normal" and do "normal" things. He actually feels somewhat normal. But the problem is, his immune system is still no where near being "normal". And we are still right in the middle of cold/flu season. He wants to go out and do things, but he shouldn't be. We do go to the movies about once a month. Which is really fun. We go on a week day to the first showing of the day. Yesterday we went and saw "Saving Mr. Banks" and there were only 4 other people in the theatre.  And it was a REALLY good movie. One of the best I have seen. 
We are also starting a home project. We are adding a wall upstairs and adding a bedroom. John is starting to teach voice lessons again - he is really excited to have something to do. But, we are turning Jenna's room in to his "studio". Our plan has always been to add bedrooms (we thought we could do 2, but can't because of the windows). So we are adding one and it will be BIG, so the boys will share it and we can move Jenna upstairs to Isaiah's room. It is just turning out to be a bigger project than we realized. We were hoping to have the work done while we are in CA next month. (YAY - we leave one month from today!!!!). We will see if that can happen.
One of John's goals pre cancer was to run a half marathon. Now that he feels good enough, his plan is to walk a half marathon. Actually he wants to do 2-3 this year. I said I will do at least one with him. I am not a runner, but love walking. The first one is in June.
Also, I can't believe we are 11 months past John's first transplant. Time is really going by fast.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Happy Anniversary to us

John and I actually had our 17th wedding Anniversary on Dec. 27, 2013. But we both had colds and kids were out of school and it was crazy being right after Christmas. So, we decided to celebrate after kids were back in school. We literally picked up In N Out for dinner on our Anniversary as a family and that was it :)

So, this week we drove out to Midway for a day and made the best of our day. 



First stop was lunch at the Blue Boar Inn. It was really good. It is also a Bed and Breakfast, that we would love to stay at some day. But the best part was that we were the only customers in there while we were there. The place was completely empty!!! No worry about where to sit for John :) After lunch they even showed us 5 of their rooms.

Then we went to get pedicures. And no I did not have to talk John into it. He was actually very excited and willing. And now he is totally addicted and can't wait for another. It was so fun to sit and relax. And as we were sitting there, it started to snow these perfect huge snowflakes.



Out last stop of the day was the Ice Castles. We drove by them a few years ago and have wanted to go see them. I was so glad they came back this year. The company travels and does not always go to Midway. It was amazing and so fun to see them. Apparently at night time it is way better. But, it was still really neat. And barely any one there. It was snowing the whole time we were there. I took a ton of pictures and was so amazed and how they can form these. 

Maybe next year we will be able to escape for more than a few hours!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

A New Year

Happy 2014!!

I can not believe it is a new year.  This past year went by really fast. Maybe because we spent more time in the hospital than anticipated :)

We had a really good Christmas. We were very blessed by individuals, companies and organizations who wanted to help make our Christmas a good one. The kids had an amazing Christmas!! We actually pull off a very fun surprise. Christmas morning was "normal". They had Santa gifts, and gifts from John and I and other family members. They were excited and all got some things they wanted. Santa brought every one a "need, a want, a wear and a read".  That was really fun and I think we will ask him to do that every year.

Then Christmas night when they went to bed John and I pulled out gifts for another Christmas. We really wanted them to know what Christmas would be like with out the blessings and love of other people. So, for one day that is what it was. And it was good. Then Isaiah woke up Dec. 26 and came into my room and told me that there were more presents under the tree. I told him he was dreaming and to go back to bed :) It didn't work. So, at 7 am we got up for another Christmas. Abby did not believe him but got up any ways just to see. The kids were all SO excited and it was so so fun to watch them be surprised and get more presents. It was an amazing Christmas.  We also went and looked at Temple Square lights that night. We love doing that.


So, an update on John: He is doing ok. He has had colds off and on for a few weeks. He had a regular clinic appt early last week and they said if his cold got worse to come in. So, we went in on Friday because it was getting worse. And he has had a low grade fever that is not going away. They ran a bunch of tests and he has metapneumovirus. It is basically a chest cold. And they can't really do anything for him. Although they do want to give him IVIG (basically an immune system booster of antibodies). That should help him fight it better. He feels ok, just has a cold.

He is definitely getting his appetite back and eating better. He still has feet swelling some days, but it isn't bad. Other than that nothing new. Which is good. We like to be boring.

We did have out 17th wedding anniversary on Dec. 27. We didn't really do anything. John had this  cold and kids were out of school. We had in n out for dinner and played games. This week we are going to Midway to see the Ice Castles and go out to eat though.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! We are hoping for a healthier year and less hospital stays  - like 0 would be great :)