Living with cancer . . . It sucks! What else can I say? John has been on chemo treatments for 6 1/2 weeks. His body is responding pretty well to it all. But that does not make it easy at all. We are both really starting to realize how much our lives have changed; what we can and can't do. Life is very different.
John is still able to work most days. Still no hair loss, still gets hiccups on the steroids, has dry eyes and dry mouth, gets the metallic taste in his mouth, he eats pretty good but food tastes different, and just last night he noticed his skin is very dry and flaky and has some rashes, he also had very swollen ankles last night. I think he is sleeping a little better, he has not hurt any more bones - gratefully - but also has some anxiety and depression setting in :( He has less patience that ever and at times is very grumpy. It is HARD on all of us and all in a different way. John is really really getting tired of going nowhere. Literally he only goes to work, he can't go to the store, out to eat, to church or any where. Just work. And when he walks around he has to wear his mask. It is hard and he is getting frustrated with that. His energy level seems to depend on where he is in his chemo cycle. First few days seem to be ok, and last few days seem to be ok, but middle is not good. Some days he only works a half day and is completely exhausted when he gets home. He usually rests all weekend.
Kids seem to be doing ok. I think for them life is somewhat normal. John is working, they go to school, I stay home and clean and run errands, and their daily life is not affected too much by it. Other than I usually always put them all to bed and do most of the parenting.
I am also starting to feel overwhelmed and more and more like a single parent. When John is able to work, it is great - but it takes almost all his energy. He tries to do more at home, but gets frustrated and loses energy. I am having a hard time right now because I feel like life is going on, but our lives are kind of standing still. Once a year my sisters and I try to have a sisters weekend. I was REALLY looking forward to it this year and really needed to few days of a break. At first it was maybe only going to be Emily and I. We picked a date and planned to go to Palm Springs. I have not been there since a kid and was so excited to see the sun and relax for a few days. Well, this was all planned a few months ago before we knew John had cancer. Because of expenses and John not being able to watch the kids I can no longer go. And all my sisters are getting ready to go next week. I am just having a very hard time with that. And in general realizing how much my life is changing. Right now I am a mom and a wife and that is about it. I take the kids to church alone, I go to Stake Conference alone, I run errands alone and can not ask John to stop and pick things upon his way home from work, I stay up late cleaning and getting kids school stuff ready each night, I get up early to get up with Abby. It is just hard right now.
I know we are blessed with many many friends and love and support. I am so so glad for that. It does make it easier. The plan and hope is still for John to have a stem cell transplant in January. We hope and pray that goes smooth. Thank you for all your prayers.
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